I remember watching Seven Pounds, with my parents, and the ending made me cry like hell. My mom just thought I was crying because it was a sad movie, I was crying because it was a sad movie, but also I can relate so well to Will Smith's character of wanting to die. While Will Smith's character decided to give up his life, after his wife's accident, he also decided to give away organs to good people.
However, my case is a bit different. I never wanted to give away my organs to anyone.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for college students. That's statistically proven to be true. A lot of psychologists wonder why college students would do that.
For me, it's the fact that I had depression ever since 3rd grade.
It's statistically proven that the number one cause of suicide for college student suicides (and all suicides) is untreated depression.
And before anyone ask why I didn't get medical treatment, is because, I don't believe in getting antidepressants.
On January 5, 2007, I decided that I had to die, there was no way out. I think the fact that I wanted to kill myself was accommodation of getting a D in Calculus 2, not sure whether I'll have my scholarship, and a recent death in the family.
So while I was trying to kill myself in the bathroom, I had a Freudian slip. I said I wanted to live, and I decided that I did want to live. Sure I hated myself for like all the crap I had, but I wanted to live. No, I didn't have no angels, or white light to tell me to go back and live, I did all that myself.
I never told my parents about my attempted suicide, I didn't want too, but soon the spring semester started and there was a group for people who did attempted suicide and talk about what happened. I went there, and I found people just like me.
This opened my eyes, and I soon to realize that I am not crazy, the only person feeling horrible rotten feelings, that other people also went through what I went through.
They gave tips to everyone who did went through the experience about how to go on. "As a survivor of suicide loss, you should know that you are not alone.Survivors who have been down this difficult path won’t tell you it’s easy. But with time, and with help from family, friends, professional advisers, and other survivors, there is hope for the future. "
I met someone who also attempted suicide, she was Asian, and she looked happy. I am only saying that, because I always have a smile on my face, and I look happy all the time, but that doesn't show what I feel on the inside. That and I remember one of my friends explaining what a emo person was, and he was like I can't be emo person, because I'm always have a smile on my face and look happy all the time. But about my friend that I met that day, we both bonded, and I finally found someone who wasn't willing to judge me for a horrible mistake that I've done.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." (Mother Teresa)
I know live life for the fullest, and take each day slowly and carefully. And if someone says wow you had such a rough and horrible day. I just think back about the day I attempted suicide, and that any horrible day I have isn't truly a horrible day.
This was hard post to write, because I didn't tell anyone else about my attempted suicide. I think I will someday tell my parents, but not today.
I know statistically, I could always do another suicide attempt, but, I don't want too, and if life does get hard, I know exactly who to talk to. My parents and friends. That and writing will always be great therapy for me. I hope I didn't scare anyone too much with this post, but I had to write this.
Please comment here: http://www.xanga.com/to_breaktheice
& when you comment please say in the comment post 10! :)
|
